I’ve been this way as long as I’ve had memory. I eat fast, no breaks between bites for laughter. The sun drilling through my skull. Sitting together on benches eating lunch. Me and my shadow. The grackle with its mouth open searching for water. The mountain lion no one ever sees or wants to see. All desert creatures are lonely.

 

September 6th 6:00pm

I don’t know why I’m here. Getting out of mom’s car and hitting the pavement. Falling in line with the crowd. Past the cheerleaders pacing and warming up for the pep rally. Past the groups of friends squealing and running into each other’s arms. Minerpalooza. The one university event I’ve heard being raved about for years. I glide through the crowd in my well rehearsed dance. Head up, eyes forward, pace fast. It gives off the impression I have a purpose, people to meet. I get to the main stage, and I am hit with a wave of people, bright blue and orange, loud music. Saturated in Miner pride. Pickaxes and golden nuggets surround me. It sinks in. The solitaire. Nowhere to go for 6 hours. No one to talk to. 12am seems a lifetime away. I think I just crash landed on Mars.

​❖

No signs of life. Cruising through post-apocalyptic Earth. That is how my favorite movie character lives. This little robot dude that organizes junk into perfect squares. That collects knick knacks and watches 60’s romance musicals on VHS. The moment when they hold hands, he holds his own hand with his own. He longs to connect. I live that life too. Collecting comfort items, plushies to hug. Touch starved. Absorbing myself in novels. Reading through the shelves of my local library. When I am looked over again and again. I too stare at the screen and lock my fingers between my fingers. In a silent prayer.

 

September 6th 6:02pm

I stand this way now. Being pushed and shoved through the packed sidewalk. A cloud being devoured by endless blue.

​❖

A landing on my shoulder. Rare phenomenon. Butterflies. People that go around and find your yellow goodness. Pollen to spread to others. They land with the intention to leave. I’ve met a few in my lifetime. The girl who read books as if they were water, we emailed until we didn’t. The European who made me smile and laugh at her passion, I was always asleep when she was awake. Poet 1 and Poet 2 who sat with me in the corner of the classroom, the semester ended when the air turned cold. The band kid who thought he could play me like his clarinet, his intentions were a sour note.

 

September 6th 2:00pm

One landed today. A deep thinker like me. We talked about the possibilities of language for hours. Swirling ourselves around on office chairs. I hold my breath as he’s here. I brace for farewell.

❖

My therapist tilts her head when I ask her what I’m doing wrong. We dissect social situations like frogs. I follow all the instructions. I still get no where, I still can’t understand people. She says that most people don’t understand the way I socialize. That having me around can make them uncomfortable. The flinching over hugs after word vomit vulnerability. She calls this PTSD, Autism. Big, lonely words.

 

September 6th 6:07pm

Climb the hill towards the food or go left to the games. This is the choice I have. The games are towards the office I work at in my on-campus job. The job where I have coworkers. Coworkers that mentioned that they’re coming to Minerpalooza tonight. Who are most likely walking this way right now. The tall building shines in the distance. I snap my head towards the smell of tacos and take off up the hill. Pity is a sad thing to want.

❖

I got a job because I was going insane. School home sleep, school home sleep, school home sleep, school home sleep, school home sleep. On a repeat until I graduate. Just me and my kitchen table for company, I needed people, the variation they bring to life. The adrenaline rush of meeting someone new. I learned I am an extrovert (shocking), and after a year of working here I am still completely alone (not shocking). I spend my evenings swiping through instagram stories of my coworkers hanging out. I’m their friend in a 7th choice kinda way. The acquaintance zone, as I like to call it. A person to joke with in the office, but the friendship ends once we leave the building.

❖

I’m back in that season when I was 11 and my sister hated me. Growing pains of forming our own personalities. Mine is always wrong. I stayed in bed every afternoon rotting like a corpse. Insecurity vultures circling my head. The goof. The snitch. The mean girl. The crybaby. I asked my snotty red reflection who should I become instead? Peeling away the layers of my personality like dried mud. Bottling my feelings deep. Nodding and smiling. I started to live for others. Following their whims, falling deep in the affirmation. I never tried to find something tangible underneath all that surface.

 

September 6th 6:11pm

I pace the grounds in a frenzy. Past the boys laying like cats in the sun. I smile at them. I get a slow blink in return. If I pass the same tree again and again, I can become one with the chaos. I can lose myself to the noise.

❖

She moved and the best parts of me moved with her. My sister is 2 years older than me, but we did everything together. We got bad haircuts and played pretend like we were movie stars. She is the nice one, the friendly one, the people catcher. Everyone gravitated towards her warm sunshine. I am the night sky of us. The one with the worst glare and the unfriendly face. The rattling tail. The one people don’t seem to want.

 

September 6th 6:15pm

My coworker breezes past me with her arm intertwined with her lover. I try to wave and call out to her, but she doesn’t see me. The traffic of the sidewalk moves around me as I stand still. That deep hollowness chasms my chest. I look at the sets of people around me. The plurality of it. I was never meant to be here on a solo mission. The clouds stack up in the distance. I think it’s going to rain.

❖

Me and the earth keep a secret. The earth is the only one who has ever seen me unhidden. All airs of sarcasm and chill gone. Just me, my laugh, my dance, my unapologetic pain, the meaning I find in rocks on the floor. And the earth, its raindrop tears, the anger in its winds, the warmth of its embrace. I tell it:  here is all of me. And the earth says:  here is all of me. And we are both liars, we've never been to the core of the other. But we don't care. There is trust between us like the tide. It will retreat. It will always come back to shore. Unless we become a desert. And trust no longer occupies.

 

September 6th 6:23pm

The music vibrates my bones and threatens to spill me over. I walk fast past tents and friend groups laughing. Hands on people. Closeness. And me outside of all these bubbles. Breathing comes to me in short spurts. Urgent. I just need to find a blending point. A merge. A bench. A tree. A corner. A person. I push my way through. Eyes stalking the grounds like hawks. No open seats. A poster for a party. I need to belong somewhere. The DJ bopping his head. A balloon popping. Dark curly hair. I stop. The oasis in front of me. The latest landing. Through the crowd blurring by. My eyes. His eyes. Meet. A warm smile. Hand waving. Back and forth, wings of a butterfly. I'm pulled in. The ocean obeying the moon. This land was once the sea. Hello.