I Love Him

miguel lozano

*Contains elements of the song, “i luv him.” by Catie Turner.

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All I care about is the Disney Channel,

not the size of his pants.

I want to be like Raven and Alex,

I’d be lucky to be the dorky,

lovable,

fat,

ugly best friend.

I just wanna laugh and play,

he never cried or prayed to lose weight.

I like wearing bright, fun colors,

now it is just a dull black, hoping to conceal my figure.

I’m just a kid.

Unaware

of the demons I had to fight,

the rejection I had to face,

the shame I had to carry.

I don’t know,

That his youth and innocence were untouched,

his dreams were never judged,

He was unaware of the razor bladed ignorance,

his beauty was in God’s eyes.

My shiny, new life,

flashed before my eyes, now tainted, and led astray.

My big smile

became a sullen and hateful frown, it was over.

All at once, in a rush,

his world

came hurling down like a tsunami.

I was

made aware.

I realized

my body was not right.

It became

utterly disgusting to be myself, to look like that.

Fat and ugly.

Love and beauty

were never in the eyes of the beholder.

The beholder was cruel, the beholder had blood-soaked rules.

You have to look like that and sound like this.

Only then were you allowed to be

Happy.

This was the end

for us.

I’d give anything to go back to the blissful unconsciousness.

I’m okay.

But will the journey be worth it? All the pain and suffering, I’ll endure it.

I like living in a bubble.

I am a broken butterfly bandaged with what I hope is love.

I need to let go. I need to understand that he’ll never have that feeling again.

If the world was kind,

I would wanna stay.

“I’m beautiful, I wish you feel the same one day.”

“I don’t know, it doesn’t feel better off this way.”

I love him, and I miss him. And that’s why I have to let him go.

“I hope you find your growth.”